A little about me:

In addition to being a licensed psychologist, I am also a rower. If you are unfamiliar with rowing, its primary objective is to get into a 27-foot long boat (or longer) that’s about 14-15 inches wide, and using two oars to move from one point to the next along a river or other body of water. It’s a sport that takes a lot of practice to even be able to get into the boat and then a lot more row it well. I have rowed for a long time; in my life and in my practice, I relate a lot to it. It’s something that makes sense to me and it's something that I believe that I can use to help others. I’ve taught a lot of lessons on it, and I feel like I have a pretty good handle on how to get someone focused, motivated and moving. That’s not to say that rowing is easy, or life for that matter.

Rowing can be a particularly tough sport. This is especially true if you have a fear of being out on a body of water by yourself, not always seeing where you are going or worry about what is beneath the water. Then, you have to deal with wind, waves and other people. This can be incredibly challenging! Sometimes even daunting. I remember one brutal practice that we had while I was training in Chicago. Our coach wanted us to go out, as we were preparing for an upcoming race. The temperature was probably hovering around 37°, I remember that I could see my breath throughout the practice. But on top of that, there were probably 20 miles to 25 mph winds. I remember that before we got into the boat and shoved off, we were all standing around, huddled together trying to find some amount of warmth. We weren’t sure what the workout was going to be, but we anticipated that it was going to be tough. In the end, it was. It was probably one of the hardest we had that year. But we made it through...it wasn’t enjoyable, and we didn’t look back on it and say, “wow that was fun.” But we made it.

I see therapy and rowing as a lot alike. You may not know what I’m going to say in a session, or what you will get from it. But, if you stick it through, and persevere, those things you really want to get out of therapy can happen. During our practice, we made it through...and so can you. Now in therapy, I won’t treat you as a novice, or someone who is just now stepping foot into a boat. I’m not going to make you wear a life preserver. In fact, you’re more experienced in your life than I am, and that makes you an expert in your life. I’m going to approach you as such. You’ve made it this far. Your path ahead, whether a road toward recovery, or a more fulfilled you, may not always be enjoyable, but it is yours. I look forward to rowing alongside you in therapy.

#DADpression

#DADpression. Have you ever heard of this term?

 You’re usually a superhero. You are up with everyone else, you make the coffee and prepare for the day. Even though you spend your day at work and weekends on chores, you are ready to tackle any household problem; together with your drill driver and a few bits, you could build that new shed or repair the broken drywall if you wanted. But lately, it’s been tough to keep going.

  Your partner gave birth to your first child a couple of months ago - you were ecstatic and joyous. It seemed like that feeling would never fade as this new being entered into your life. You had a lot of jive and boogie about the little one, but just a few months later, you’ve found it’s been hard to get out of bed, to focus, and you’ve just felt down. There are days, too, where you worry about everything, from large important things in life to the small irrelevant ones. 

I’m a dad and struggling

 It doesn’t get a lot of press and talk, but there is a phenomenon that can occur, typically starting a few months after the birth of your child, termed paternal postpartum depression. Research has shown that anywhere between 1.2 to 25.5% of new dads will experience this within the first year of parenthood. While you may try to pass it off as a “funk,” or that you’re “just tired,” (in reality you probably are…) this can often be much more. Although, as fathers or men, we may try to double down and push through it, there can be several consequences on the family and infant or child, including distress for the child, tension in the marital relationship, and longer-term behavioral or emotional consequences for the child.  

 Why am i struggling?

Evidence has shown that there are two major categories that can act as risk factors, including biological risk factors, such as low hormone levels or a predisposition to depression or anxiety, and ecological risk factors, like the drastic change in lifestyle, changes in social supports and connections, or even the changes in your marital or partner-relationship. In short, this means the things that were given to you, latent in your genetics and makeup, and the things going on around you, both play a role in paternal postpartum depression.

 It can be easy to feel that you are alone when experiencing this. It is important to know, though, that you aren’t. When asked, the fathers involved in this study reported feeling an increase in dissatisfaction with their partners, potentially due to a lack of intimacy and changes within the sexual relationship. Additionally, your beliefs regarding gender roles may be at play. It is often the case that men have a perception that they must be the breadwinner and leader of the family, and as a result, put a great deal of effort into work after the birth of their child. The natural consequence of this is that you have less time to spend at home with your family, and maybe a sense that you don’t have as close of an attachment with your child. Further, long-term implications of a depressed dad have also been identified (e.g. your kid has a higher chance of experiencing depression). 

 There is help

It is important to recognize that this is not a situation where you need to “just get back to it.” #DADpression is real, and you need to take it seriously. If you connected with anything here, or are a new or soon to be father with a history of depression or anxiety, it's a good idea to get in touch with a professional, even if only for a tune-up. If you are not connected with a professional, feel free to give us a call or email. 

 Share your comments and thank you for reading!

Three Ways to Macguyver Your Dad Brain

As a father, you are faced with responsibilities every day: figuring out how you will divide your time between family and career, parenting, completing your “honey-do” list or other household tasks, or maybe you are training for a marathon or triathlon or are trying to lose weight. Balancing these responsibilities can be like having to juggle flaming torches with a blindfold while walking across a tightrope. At times, it might feel like it wouldn’t take much for it all to come crashing down. Even Macguyver could find it difficult to figure this out. When these things are unbalanced, it can be difficult to experience joy and satisfaction. It can seem that as a father, it is a requirement to perform a balancing act between what you need to do, what others ask you to do, and what you want to do.

The result? Less enjoyment and satisfaction in your life - You stay up late to get more work done, skip lunch in order to make that extra run to the store, show up late to work because you forgot your briefcase. Maybe its none of those, and instead simply high levels of strain and stress, which can impact other areas of your life (i.e. decreased libido). The myth that you need to be a super-dad in order to be a good dad, I think, can weigh on any father; you may find yourself toiling through the week to get everything done, and as Macguyver was often forced to do, solve a complex problem using only a few tools. So, dads before you brew another pot of coffee to help you stay up later tonight, here are three things you can do to help Macguyver your brain to experience more enjoyment.

Sidebar: Did you know that in the pilot episode, Macguyver not only short circuits a missile using a paperclip, but he also makes a rocket thruster out of a flare, uses a fire hose to move a large steal beam, and relays a message, using Morse code, through a facilities’ lighting system, to send a warning signal to stop a missile. All in a days work.

1. Drop the all-or-nothing thinking. This approach can cause you to see extremes, rather than the middle ground.

It can be a father’s nightmare to have no progress, whether on a project at home or work, or even in your own exercise plan. Consider this as the example: you wanted to get a workout in, but your child woke up from his/her nap early. You might get moody and frustrated since you were looking forward to your workout. Your partner and kid(s) notice, and an argument ensues. In this case, all-or-nothing thinking might include a thought of, “if I miss this workout, my training will be a bust,” or, “I have to get this training session in, otherwise I’m going to gain weight.” This type of thinking leads you to the conclusion that you’re stuck and that you will be less prepared for your next workout or competition.

First off, not true. Second, what good does it do you to focus on the supposed outcome, when you aren’t even there yet? You aren’t laying the foundation to a new home, because sure, a delay there could cause a big backup in future work. In this sense, allowing yourself to be stuck in an all-or-nothing thought pattern can definitely cause a decrease in immediate enjoyment. Staying up late to get that workout in may not be the best thing for you, your weight, or your training. Instead, focus on those things within your control and think about how acting in those areas can benefit you.

2. Don’t jump to conclusions. You might remember the 1988 movie, Big, starring a young Tom Hanks. Central to the movie was Zoltar, the magical wishing machine, to which Tom Hanks’ character makes a wish that ultimately comes true. This machine is similar to a fortune telling machine, which can, you guessed it, predict the future. Now…sorry to burst your bubble, dads, you can’t tell the future, try as you might.

Here’s an example. Its been a busy day at work, and all you want is some intimate time with your partner. You get home, your house is a mess, the kids need baths, and you hear your partner yelling about how the youngest painted your walls with mud. You say to yourself, there is no way this is happening. Your heart sinks, as does your libido; both are replaced with frustration and irritability as you just know that what you played out in your imagination will not happen. This style of thinking, fortune telling, can lead us to predict that all the mess, the kids and the fresh mud paint will inhibit any and all sexual intimacy. By putting an end to the fortune telling, you can cut down on the frustration and irritability that arises from our negative expectations, and you can exist in the present, one which may or may not lead to the sumthin-sumthin.

3. Do…separate your opinion from fact. As a father, what do you consider your job to be? Is it to guide and lead your family? To set good examples for your children? In both of these, or any role you might have as a father, the potential for you to mix, or mistake, fact with opinion is there. By the way, the answers to those two examples are facts.

For example, you may think to yourself that in order to be the best dad, “I need to get in my daily workout,” or as a father, “I deserve to be catered to by my spouse/partner.” Both of these statements are opinions. No, you don’t always need to get in a workout, and you certainly don’t need to be catered to by your spouse/partner. However, separating the two can be challenging. Maybe you want or would like those things, but they will not make you a better or more complete dad. But, if you hold to them as though they are fact, and they don’t come true, how do you think you will feel? Here’s another one, “my kids require my attention when they are talking to me.” That is a fact. Your children require your attention. That means getting rid of the phone or tablet, and spending that one-to-one time. No opinions there.

Here’s an exercise that can help to Macguyver out of the unrealistic standards or beliefs created by the mix-up of statement and fact: create a list of statements you believe about yourself, or bonafide experiences, (e.g. I am bad, Others must cater to me, I yelled when I got angry) and label them as fact or opinion. Doing this can help us to distinguish between the two when they happen in our own thinking, which can help you to experience greater satisfaction and enjoyment in your life.

Have any other ideas? Feel free to comment below about what has helped you.

Thank you for reading,

Dr. Alex

Please note, by reading this or replying you acknowledge that this does not constitute a therapeutic relationship or agreement to receive treatment. None of the content provided replaces a therapeutic relationship.

What is a psychological evaluation or assessment?

Has your son or daughter’s teacher recommended that they be assessed for ADHD? Have you ever thought you were depressed or anxious, but just weren’t sure? Maybe you’ve been in therapy or counseling for some time, and feel like you’ve hit a wall. It sounds like a psychological evaluation might be helpful.

A psychological evaluation, or what we refer to in the field as psychological testing, is a battery of tests that helps the clinician to better understand what and how the client understands and deals with emotions, others, thoughts and the world. Sometimes testing will answer specific questions, like “do I have ADHD?” or “why do I always expect the worst to happen?” Psychological testing can be equated to blood testing or blood work. Doctors will often recommend you get blood work done when there is a concern about nutrient deficiencies and disease. It can provide valuable insights to what is affecting your body, from the inside, and that may be less apparent from the outside. In psychology, our form of blood work is psychological testing.

As a psychologist, I have found psychological testing helpful as it provides a thorough understanding about how one thinks, feels, perceives and works with information. This data can be invaluable in therapy. Sometimes psychological testing is required for school accommodations because of issues related to ADHD, anxiety or ODD. Other times therapists or psychiatrists might need a more definite diagnosis that is supported by objective findings. For example, a psychiatrist or PCP may be uncomfortable prescribing a stimulant medication before having a definite ADHD diagnosis, or to determine a possible treatment regimen for a bipolar disorder. In each of these cases, psychological testing can help to get the treating clinician more information, which can help their confidence in prescribing a certain treatment.

If you are interested in or have been told to seek psychological testing, give us a call or send us an email, and we will determine if we be of help!

A good ole' sit & think

I started thinking about this topic while I was rocking my youngest son back to sleep this morning (5:50AM). While rocking back and forth in the glider hoping that my son would go back to sleep long enough that I could have a dream, I started to envision all of the things I needed to do today. Church, cleaning, paperwork, taking care of the kids, taxes, mortgage, the nature of string theory and how it could relate to the human mind... In my early 20's this kind of processing would have required two, maybe three, cups of dark-roast coffee. Alas, this was not to be in my morning. Instead, my son looked up at me, eyes wide, as if saying, "I'm ready to go, why aren't you?" The silence we enjoyed together was ended by his near-toddler egging and grunting. "Time to go," it meant.

As much as I would have preferred for my son to have willingly fallen back asleep, there is a silver lining to our quiet time together. I believe it is pretty well accepted that we live in a noisy world. Cars, airplanes, music, construction...all noises most of us experience on a daily basis. This is a modern phenomenon, though. Imagine 100's of years ago when we did not have the same level of noise. What would you experience at night? Silence. Today, when we experience that it can be somewhat uncomfortable and unsettling. Where did the noises go? Why aren't there cars driving down my street, or the noise of my neighbors yelling in excitement? Did something happen? 

Some research has linked the experience of noise, or noise pollution, in the office and community, to increased stress, sleep loss, and psychological symptoms, but not with psychiatric disorders. Interestingly, it also leads to increased levels of chatecholemine secretion - this is a hormone that is helps us respond to stress (think fight or flight). Scientists and clinicians have been aware of this for awhile now. The research on this subject is amazing - noise pollution, coming in the form of airplane and jet noise, has an impact on children's neurodevelopment, and can lead lower reading scores and slower development of cognitive and language skills!

Now, I am not saying that you should cancel your plans to visit New York City next summer. Rather, as a psychologist in clinical practice, I would encourage thoughtful exploration of the amount of time you, and your family, spend in quiet thought and exploration. Do you have the television on as soon as you and the kids get home up until dinner, and even during? Try to see what it is like without it on. For a long time I had gotten used to having the news on 24/7 - it helps me focus and provided useful distractions during my years in school. I know it can be hard to make such a shift. The television can become a part of the family, always there when you need it. If this is the case, try a week without it, and instead turn on the radio. "Alexa, play my 'keep my mind off the fact I am not watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones' radio." 

Although it may seem small, the importance of adapting to this change is significant. Thanks to advances in technology, any show that I want to watch is available to me. Type it in online, or enter the channel number into my remote, and voila, my desire is satiated. This is also known as instantaneous gratification - the opposite of our childhood archnemesis, delayed gratification (actually a hero). For children especially, the development of the ability to delay gratification can lead to positive outcomes in school and in life. The same can be said for us as adults. Our ability to delay gratification is synonymous with impulse control. Having media and electronic stimuli available nearly everywhere really may not promote the development of impulse control. The practice of sitting with our thoughts, without acting, without avoiding, without judging, even, is tough. Yet, doing so can be good for our health. 

As I finish writing and researching this post, the sun is now up. My youngest son has now eaten his way through his breakfast. I have not gotten back to sleep. I am grateful for that. I was given this gift of extra time with my son that I otherwise would not have. I look forward to see what other aspects of my day this will change. 

Give it a try, today, tonight or tomorrow. Spend some time in thought. In silence or quiet. One of the shows my oldest son loves is Sarah and Duck. In it, Sarah, the main character, and duck, her pet, spend time in thought. They call it, "sit and think." I would encourage you do the same. Give yourself the time and space to have a sit and think of your own. See what happens.

For some more information and helpful tips on mindfulness, consider scheduling an appointment with us.